Frequently Asked Questions
Family Mediation
• How can I communicate with my partner?
• What do my children need?
• How should we tell the children?
• How can I sort out arrangements for our children?
• How is it best to try to make arrangements directly with my partner?
• What if we can’t agree on the arrangements for the children?
• If we can’t work it out together, even with the help of mediation?
• Should we use the courts?
• How can I manage the way I am feeling about how things have turned out?
How can I communicate with my partner?
- be respectful – even if you don’t like the other person you can still treat them with respect
- listen before replying – try to have only one person speaking at a time
- try talking to each other as if you were work colleagues
- be polite and avoid derogatory, personal remarks
- stick to the issues under discussion
- agree a way of calling a break or re-scheduling the discussion to a more appropriate time
- think yourself into the other person’s shoes – how would you feel in their situation?
- focus on how you want things to be in the future, not how they have been
- Children need to know that their parents love them, and that they are valued members of their family. Children need to feel safe and secure and to know what is expected of them. Children need to be able to express their emotions in appropriate ways. Click here for research into what children need in the context of separation and divorce which has been summarised by Kent Family Mediation Service
How should we tell our children?
Once you have both decided to separate, you need to tell your children. It may be one of the most difficult things you have to face in the process of separation and divorce. It is not possible to make it a pain-free experience either for you or for your children, but there are some things you can do to make it better for them. Click
here for more information.
How can I sort out arrangements for our children?
For many parents, the emotions produced by their separation make it very difficult for them to reach agreement about arrangements for children between themselves. The way in which you make your decisions about your children's future after you have separated can have a substantial influence on how your children are affected by the separation. There are a range of approaches you can use to achieve agreement. None of them will be easy, but the methods you use to resolve your differences will send very clear messages to your children. Click
here for more information.
How is it best to try to make arrangements directly with my partner?
It may help if you try to see the child's other parent as a business partner or work colleague who is involved in the common task of bringing up your children. It will help to limit discussions to the issues that directly relate to the children. Prepare in advance for any meetings that you have with your child's other parent, being clear about what the purpose of the meeting is.
Agreeing between yourselves shows your children that you both intend to continue to play an active part in their lives. It will also clearly show them that you are in control of the situation.
What if we can’t agree on the arrangements for the children?
If it is impossible for you to sit down together on your own and discuss arrangements for the children, it may be that mediation would help. Going to a mediator, a trained impartial individual who will support you in your attempt to resolve your differences is only one step removed from reaching the arrangements by yourself. You will still have to talk to each other face to face and discuss your differences in relation to the children. However, this will be done in the presence of an individual who has been provided with the training to help you to focus on your children's needs in this situation and to help you manage the differences between you.
The neutrality and safety provided by the mediation session may make it possible for you to negotiate decisions which would have been impossible to arrive at by yourselves. The decisions, however, will still be yours. The mediator will not try to influence them. Going to mediation shows your children you are willing to try to communicate for their sake. It also shows them that you are in control of the situation.
If we can’t work it out together, even with mediation?
If you are unable to negotiate face to face either between yourselves or with the assistance of a mediator, then decisions about arrangements in relation to children can be made in a process of negotiation in which you are represented by a solicitor.
As far as your children are concerned, you should not be opponents fighting over your rights to live with them or to see them. The interests of your children demand that you work together as much as you can, in whatever ways you can, to provide them with the security of two parents who obviously care for them. As a negotiator, your solicitor will be looking for the common ground that you share with your child's other parent and the ways in which your interests may be jointly met.
You can make it clear to your solicitor that, although you are unable to resolve your differences about your children directly with their other parent, you do not want the negotiations to be carried out within a framework of conflict. Reaching decisions using solicitors can still be a way of indicating to your children that you both still care for them, providing it is not done in a provoking and vindictive spirit.
Solicitors who belong to the Family Law Association have particular experience in family law.
.
Should we use the courts?
Ultimately, if negotiations prove impossible or unsuccessful, it is possible to have recourse to the Courts to make the decision for you. The Court will be very reluctant to make decisions in relation to your children because they will generally hold the view that parents are the best people to reach those decisions about children.
How can I manage the way I am feeling about how things have turned out?
When you have decided on arrangements that fit the demands of your new family, keeping them working will depend on the ability of both of you to manage your feelings about each other and your ability to communicate for the sake of your children.
There are a number of ways in which you can approach your new relationship as separated parents that will help you to manage the very difficult feelings that you may still have about each other. Try to see your relationship no longer as an intimate personal relationship but as one between work colleagues, two people who have a common goal - the well-being and healthy development of their children.
And remember to take care of yourself – give yourself time to adjust and seek out help from family and friends.
