Relationship Counselling
What sort of things do people come to counselling for?
• Communication
• Life events
• New relationships, new families
• Affairs
• Loss
• Sex isn't as good as it used to be
• We’ve drifted apart
• Conflict and rows
• When rows go too far
• Wanting different outcomes
• Ending the relationship
We have already said, briefly, that people come for counselling with a range of difficulties. One of the most usual things that crops up though is couples not communicating about that difficulty. This can cover a whole range of things; maybe one has been unhappy for a long time but has never been able to tell their partner; maybe they are dealing with difficult situations at work or within their wider family.
Communication
One of the things that we can be certain about in relationships is that they
will change over time. How we were at the start of the relationship when
we had endless time for each other will be different to how we are 10 years
later juggling work and family commitments. It's no wonder that we don't
always communicate as well as we did in the beginning.
Communication is really at the heart of relationships. If we feel we can't
tell those closest to us how we really feel, what's really going on in
our lives or what we are maybe not happy about, then we may end up feeling
distanced and isolated. Communication difficulties though aren't always
about not being able to say what we feel; it may be that we keep saying
how we feel but nothing changes. We may feel as if we have the same conversation
or row with our partner on a regular basis and nothing happens. Repeating
rows and arguments is something we are very used to dealing with. Not
being heard is just as difficult as not being able to say what we feel.
Life events
The other big area that affects relationships is changes caused by life events;
children arriving, parents ageing, changing work patterns, losses of all
sorts. Changes in our day to day lives can be difficult to adapt to, no matter
that we may have planned and welcomed them. Having a baby might be the most
wonderful thing that has happened to you but it also disrupts your lives,
means that nothing is ever going to be the same again and takes a lot of
adapting to; likewise getting the job you have always wanted. We can
often be perplexed and distressed by the feelings we have about changes in
our lives - even if we wanted and planned those changes ourselves. This can
then place a strain on our relationships.
New relationships, new families
Changes in family set up, through changing partners, divorce or sadly death,
can cause difficulties. As a couple you may be delighted to have found a
new partner, your children may be happy for you but less than delighted with
a different parent figure, and maybe new step brothers and sisters joining
the family. What starts off as a new life can soon seem as if it’s such a
tangle that you wonder if it was worth it. Helping couples work out the changes
that have occurred and exploring ways of managing those changes is something
people often bring to counselling.
Affairs
Sometimes couples come to counselling when events enter their lives which
cause immense pain and difficulty. Affairs are such an event. Couples often
come when an affair has been revealed or discovered. Counselling can help
couples manage the immediate pain and disruption and offer a space where
they can work through this and look at how they can move forward. Affairs
sometimes end relationships but this isn't always so, sometimes they help
couples to look at what wasn't working in their relationship and what they
might need to do to build a different relationship for the future.
Loss
This covers a whole range of issues that people bring - some losses can feel
almost too big to hold within relationships at times. For example the loss
of a parent, the loss of a child or not being able to have a child; the loss
of a job or home. Counselling can help by giving people a safe space where
they can explore the pain they are experiencing. Loss though can also involve
things, like the loss of an ideal, a future, a dream and as we age these
losses can become more evident.
Sex isn't as good as it used to be
Is sex or is it the relationship? Couples often come for counselling saying
that sex is a problem and that they haven't had sex for a while and this
is what they want fixing. However, as we listen we often discover that their
relationship hasn't been good for a while either and that maybe they are
rowing and resentful of each other. Its not surprising then that their sex
life isn't as good as it could be. Counselling can help you explore if it’s
your relationship that is affecting your sex life or if there is a deeper
sexual difficulty. All our counsellors are trained to explore couples sexual
relationships, some counsellors also have additional in depth training in
working with a range of specific sexual difficulties. Please refer
to the section on sexual difficulties for more information.
We’ve drifted apart
Work, life, children, parents, study, they can all take our energy away from
our relationships. Then one day you begin to realise you don’t know what’s
going on for your partner and wonder if they know what’s going on for you.
Maybe you sensed a while back that things weren’t going as well as they used,
or that you didn’t seem to spend as much time together as you used to, it
doesn’t really matter how it happened what you notice are the gaps and silences
that have developed between you. Counselling can help you to explore what
went wrong and help to look at how to bridge those gaps.
Conflict and rows
Most relationships will experience conflict at some point. Disagreements
and rows can be healthy - when they are used to help move things on. When
they get stuck and the same row is repeated month after month they are not
productive. Couples often talk about switching off when a row starts as they
know where it is going to end. There is a certain safety in knowing the route
and destination of a row but it doesn’t actually make any change in the situation
- it just allows steam to be let off and the pressure reduced until the next
time. Being able to disagree and row with positive results at the end is
what really helps relationships to develop.
When rows go too far
Sometimes, though rows can get out of hand. Domestic violence or other forms
of abuse of power (for example being made to have sex when you don't want
it, not being able to see friends or family, and being kept short of money)
need to be taken seriously. If you feel you are in a relationship where you
are being controlled by your partner we would want to see you on your own
to start with - if you tell us that you are in an abusive relationship when
you contact us we will arrange to see you on your own.
If you are concerned about your safety we would strongly advise that you also contact one of the support agencies such as Women’s Aid for further help and support. Violence or abuse of power is never acceptable within a relationship.
We do not usually work with couples together if domestic violence is an issue as we know that this can make the situation worse. We would though discuss with you how we could work with you individually, or help you find the right help.
Wanting different outcomes
Just because a couple have come for counselling doesn't mean they have the
same goals. One partner may want the relationship to continue the other may
want to leave. This is a difficult place for them to be - counselling can
help by giving the space to explore all the options and possibilities. We
are not here to tell people what to do or how to live their lives. We
are here to help them talk through what they want.
The above are just examples of the type of difficulties people bring to counselling - it doesn't cover all the areas we work with. If something is causing a difficulty within a relationship then we can usually work with it.
Ending the relationship
People come for counselling to help explore where they want their relationship
to go - to see if it can move it in another direction or if they need to
leave. Ending a relationship is never an easy choice, especially if children
or other family members are involved. Counselling can offer a neutral space
where either individually or as a couple you can work through the ending.
