“Mum, how do I cook a chicken”: Navigating the Shifted Nest.
Harriet Inglis, Head of Practice for Counselling at Relationships Scotland, has reflected on her time navigating the transition of her eldest son moving away to university and the effect it has had on her own life and responsibilities.
My son is now well into his 1st year of university, and we have both settled and relaxed into this new stage of our lives. I feel I now have the space to reflect on what these first 6 months have been like.
Going to Uni had been talked about and prepared for, for at least 2 years, however I still didn’t feel ready when the day arrived to drop him off.
My son had no clear idea of what he wanted to do after school until he was well into his 6th year. He just knew he wanted to do something and go somewhere. The previous exam years I found very intense as a parent. As lots of teenagers do, he needed support to study and prepare for exams. Everyone talks about the toddler years being a hard part of parenthood, but the teenage years are rarely talked about in the same way, and they felt more pressured and just as all encompassing.
After getting through 3 years of exams, going to open days and then applications to a very competitive course that required interviews he got the acceptances he wanted. It was fantastic and I was so proud, but it highlighted the next thing which was his leaving.
We are a very close family, but my husband works overseas so a lot of time it is me with my 2 sons. My boys are great company. One moving away felt quite momentous.
The day we dropped him off I cried all the way home. Tears of pride that he was confident and ready to move on but also sadness that I wouldn’t get to see him every day. It felt like a loss, not of him, but of something.
The first few weeks I found difficult. While he was caught up with making new friends, fresher’s week, and starting his course, I was home wondering when I could call him again and if he had made it home ok from nights out.
I knew that this would be the case, we joked about it as a family. What wasn’t expected was the sudden loss of the busyness that had dominated the last few years. There was a loss of being needed by him quite so much. He was living independently and doing his thing, it was the next natural step for him, but for me it felt like an abrupt ‘emergency stop’ on parenting.
What I realise now is that parenting didn’t stop, it just changed but the change was quick.
Transitions in life can be difficult, and I needed to acknowledge it. There was a loss, an ending for me that I had to explore and take time with.
What has emerged is a new relationship with my son that is not more or less than what it was before, it’s just different. He still needs me but more in a ‘Mum how do I cook a chicken?’ kind of way.