Messages for Young People

About this information

Young people often find that there are a lot of changes to cope with when their parents decide to separate.

At the same time as trying to come to terms with your parents’ splitting up, you might also be trying to cope with other things that all young people have to cope with such as school and exams.

If this sounds familiar, this information is for you!

Here are some ideas that might be helpful for you to think about.

It is not your fault

Remember that your parents have decided to separate because of problems between them as adults. You wouldn’t have been able to change that decision by doing or saying anything differently.

Time

It can take time for your parents to get used to being separated. It can also take time for you to get used to your parents’ splitting up – this will be different for different people.

• You might feel that you don’t want to talk about the separation because that makes it seem more real
• You might feel angry with one parent or both
• You might think you could try to get your parents back together if only you did this or that
• You might feel very empty inside

It can be difficult, but there will come a time when you will understand that your parents will not be getting back together and that you are OK with that.

What do you think?

Your parents might want to know what you think about the changes that are happening during a separation. They might want to know what you think about the plans for the future, such as the time that you spend with each of them or about school. This can help your parents make the best decisions for you.

Remember that your parents aren’t mind readers – let them know if you have an exam or an after school event that you would like them to consider when they make plans. Although they might want to know your views, it is your parents’ job to make the final decisions, not yours.

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Your parents are still your parents

Just because they have separated doesn’t mean that they stop being your Mum or your Dad. The sadness and upset that can happen during a separation can make it difficult for them to remember that sometimes. This might mean that they start relying on you too much or bad-mouth your other parent in front of you. If you can, let your parents know how you feel so that they can help you have a good relationship with both of them.

You are not a referee

Don’t feel guilty when your parents argue. It’s not up to you to get them to stop. Maybe you could try to leave the room when they argue and do something that helps take your mind off it – watch television, listen to music or call a friend.

Talk to your parents

If you can, try to talk to your parents about how you feel and what you need. It might be challenging! It can help if you choose your moment carefully and think about what you want to say. You can tell them how you feel when something happens and what would help you. One example is: “I feel sad when you shout at Dad when he picks me up. It would really help me if you could talk to him when I’m not there if you are going to be angry with him.”

Help

Support

Sometimes it can be helpful to get professional support. Relationships Scotland’s network of Member Services supports individuals, couples and families experiencing relationship difficulties through relationship counselling, family mediation, child contact centres and other family support services across all of mainland and island Scotland.

Some Services provide support directly to young people affected by separation such as children and young people’s counselling, children’s groups and direct consultation with children and young people in mediation.