I split up from my children’s dad, Ian, a year after our youngest was born, although our relationship was always very up and down. It was hard, but in the end it was what the children were seeing that finally made me walk away.
I tried to talk to Ian about him seeing the children but every time we spoke it ended up a horrible argument. That first 6 months were exhausting. I felt so sad that this was the state of my children’s family. They deserved so much better but I felt I had nowhere to turn.
I found out Ian was taking me to court to see the children more. I was frightened, angry and scared about what would happen. Ian was always a good dad, and I wanted the kids to see him, but I couldn’t cope with how he treated me whenever we spoke. I went to see a solicitor myself and they suggested contacting the Relationships Scotland Service to discuss mediation as a way forward. I was relieved to hear there was something other than court to try.
At my first appointment to discuss mediation, I was told about the Parenting Apart groups. It was explained that the groups help separated parents understand more about what their children might be going through, with ways to help them. Looking at how parents cope and things you can do to help your family situation. I agreed to come along as there was a session in the evening that worked well around my work shifts.
I still wasn’t sure what to expect when I went along to Parenting Apart. The only thing I had really focussed on was that Ian wasn’t going to be at the same group. The group was pretty small, 5 of us in total, and everyone was friendly. I hadn’t realised there would be dads as well as mums there, but actually this was good as we could hear about different experiences. This helped me see things more from Ian’s side.
In all honesty, it was upsetting to think about how things have been for my kids, but I was reassured that there were ways to help them, lots I was already doing. It was also helpful to think about parents emotions. I had never spent much time thinking about why Ian seemed so angry. I could see he was probably struggling with not seeing the kids nearly as much. The kids were his world.
During the session, I was able to think about the children’s life now, as well as their future. I tried some of the suggestions on how to talk to your children’s other parent better and it did help. I think the main change for me was shifting my focus from Ian being my ex, to working with him as my children’s dad. I had never considered this as being different and it made talking easier.
We went on to mediation following Parenting Apart and, although not perfect, life is much calmer for the children and I feel like we are all managing much better. I would say that Parenting Apart is a good place to think about your situation a bit differently and find out more about your options moving forward.