
What if the solution was to try mediation?
When a couple split up, what is the first thing that goes through your mind? It might be about what will happen to the kids. Maybe there will be money worries. Anyone who has been close to a friend or family member going through a separation knows it is a stressful time. There are lots of emotions, lots of questions and very few clear answers. Often the only answer seems to be that the separating person should “get a good lawyer”. That solution sets off another set of worries, mostly around the cost and concern that any chance of keeping things amicable will vanish.
What if the solution was to try mediation? Not too many people know how it works so how do you know if it is right for your friend or family member? It is a voluntary process so it will only work if both people want to talk through the things that are important for them. That might sound easy but if you are hurt or angry, sitting down to talk is one of the hardest things you can do. Listening, really listening to another point of view is always a challenge. Even when we know it is the right thing to do, I suspect many of us have avoided difficult conversations. That is where a mediator can make all the difference. A completely neutral person who is not there to judge either of you but can make sure both of you have the chance to explain how you would like to move things forward. Usually, in discussion, there are no more than two or three options which are realistic, and you do not need to agree to anything you think is unfair. The mediator can give information about your legal rights but will not give you advice. Some people find it helpful to get legal advice when they are going through mediation.
If there are children, for most people, there is a priority to make decisions which are in their best interests. When asked, children say that they do not want their parents to fight. Aggressive lawyers’ letters and court actions will almost certainly escalate conflict between parents. Sometimes that is unavoidable but often there is a choice. Mediation can help re-structure family life. Parents know their children better than anyone else and taking the time to talk through how they can both continue to guide and support them is probably what their children would hope for.
As a final thought, I watched the two-part Christmas special of “The Split”. The adult daughter of the main character is getting married. Her parents are divorced but are genuinely amicable. They are both there to support their daughter and enjoy the day. It was a very glamorous dramatization but hit on a theme I have often discussed with separating parents. What steps are you taking right now to ensure that you are there on the big days of the future?