Many of us may remember times when children were expected to be seen and not heard. Children were expected to do as they were told and were simply not asked for their opinions. Decisions about them were made without consultation. Nothing could be further from current thinking.

Thirty years ago, the concept of “custody” was abolished in Scotland and since then anyone making a decision which affected a child has been obliged to consider the child’s own view. Recent legislation in 2020 has made it clear that a child of any age has a voice, and children’s rights have also been articulated in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (Implementation) (Scotland) Act 2024(UNCRC).

Adults retain their rights and responsibilities, but they need to consider their children’s views. What that means in practice depends on the age and maturity of the child. A conversation with a six-year-old who does not want to go to school is very different to a conversation with a fifteen-year-old who wants to leave school rather than stay on for more exams.

For many years, specially trained mediators at Relationships Scotland have been consulting with children whose parents have separated. When parents are mediating and talking through the best arrangements for their children, it can really help to gain some insight into what the children are thinking about and how they are feeling. In mediation, unlike court, the focus is not on “winning” or trying to prove who is the best parent. The aim is to find the best way to re-structure family life when parents are no longer living together.

It may not always be appropriate to include children and an essential part of the mediator’s job is to discuss this with parents and assess each situation. Are parents ready to listen to what their child might say if it is not what they were thinking would be best? Would they tell their child that they were disappointed? Would they be hurt if the child wanted to see more of the other parent and then let their child know how they were feeling? The last thing anyone wants to do is cause distress for the child.

Time and again children have reported that they do not want their parents to fight. They certainly do not want to be in the middle of their parents’ fight and expected to sort it out. Sometimes a child may wish to talk to a mediator but not want the mediator to pass on what they said to their parents. How would a parent feel about that?  There is a fine balance between a child’s right to express their view and not involving them in harmful conflict. All of this needs to be carefully considered before including a child.

Mediation can provide a good setting to talk through options for each individual child. There is no single answer for all families. Research suggests that children benefit from knowing what is going on and some children most definitely want to have their say.

 

Leave a Comment